We all wish we could get up in the morning and place an order for our day like we call in an order at MacDonald’s drive-through. Instead, we get a number of experiences. Some we may enjoy, and others we’d definitely like to forget. Often we’d like to see something very different in our relationships with our kids than what’s been brought to us.

How do we parent with heart: handle relationships with our children — especially the tough ones — and not give up? And how do we help our children control their fears and face challenges confidently without interfering and getting into a power struggle? As parents and grandparents, how do we foster emotional well-being and self-esteem in our children, who are very often tested before they’ve had a chance to prepare?

For the first 4 or 5 years, a child gains emotional well-being almost completely from family relationships. When the child starts school, the family remains important, and influences from outside relationships come into play. These relationships outside the home reinforce the feelings of confidence the child learns at home.

Catch Kids Doing Something Right

Most of us understand that when we communicate our unconditional love to our children through our words, hugs, smiles, eye contact, and positive messages, we’re building the strong bonds our children need to feel safe in the world. With this foundation of security, they become capable of taking control of their lives.

By catching them doing something right more often than we catch mistakes, we’re building a supportive relationship and the core of self-esteem required to successfully navigate through life’s challenges. A child with emotional well-being can weather many failures; a child whose self-worth has been damaged may experience much success, yet feel self-doubt, a sense of failure and difficulty with friendships.

For children, handling adversity requires practice — with positive parental support. For parents, handling children in the midst of adversity requires courage, because, of course, we need to allow them the opportunity to practice and to fail in unthreatening situations. In the wise words of Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in their book Parenting with Love and Logic, “Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves... If there’s more than a ten percent chance that our child might be able to work it out, we should keep clear of the problem.”

As a relationship coach, I feel gratified when I see parents empowering their kids to fix their own problems and communicating with strength, confidence and love. I know, when parents have healthy relationships with their children, their children have the best chance of becoming happy and productive adults. They'll have fewer emotional struggles and will be able to be authentic, fair and honest in their dealings with others, and tolerant. Their children have the best chance of becoming kind, empathetic adults, because those qualities have been consistently demonstrated by the people they love the most.

Use Discipline with Empathy

No rigid set of discipline techniques will give parents a better relationship with their kids. Discipline with empathy works best.

As a high school freshman, my son, Matt, once left his new bike locked in a bike rack at school for two or three weeks, because he lost the key to his bike lock. Between the soccer team and homework and basketball, he never could find the time to figure out how to retrieve his bike. And as a single, working mom, I couldn’t find time either. Eventually, of course, his bike was stolen. I wish I could tell you that I’d said something awesome when he began complaining about walking to school and made noises about getting a new bike – something like, “I get it, Matt – it’s hard to get up 20 minutes earlier and walk to school because you lost your bike. And I bet you’re really tired by the time you walk home, too. I know I’m tired at the end of a long day. You probably can’t wait to save up for a new bike.” Those words would have set a boundary and helped build our relationship.

I said something more on the order of, “Are you serious? Give me a break…” But I did allow the bike to be stolen – through sheer exhaustion more than the courage to let him experience a natural consequence.

The story has a neat ending, though. Matt had to figure out a way to put his own bike together from some used parts he gathered. He became interested in building bikes and as a young adult became certified at building bikes and frames. He began his own bike-building business on the side, which helped pay his bills after college and between jobs.

Ask the Five Key Questions

The moral to Matt’s story is not: “Become too exhausted to help your kids through a tight situation.” However, if you are in a tough spot with your kids, consider your actions, think about your words, and ask yourself these questions:

1. Whose problem is it? If it’s my child’s, am I letting him own the problem?
2. Am I allowing my child to experience the natural consequences of his actions (while protecting his safety)?
3. Am I figuring out the solution or fixing a problem that he could fix?
4. Can I become aware of my own challenges in this situation? Can I give him the credit and the confidence and the trust he needs to find his own answers?
5. Am I showing empathy for his problem? Am I offering my sincere and loving concern when the consequences hit, so that he knows I’m on his side?

Develop Six Success Skills Success for Your Kids

Creating healthy relationships with your kids helps them develop these six powerful skills that foster confidence, resilience, emotional intelligence, and strength of character.

 What Parents Can Do

And, most of all, help your children understand that they don’t have to look perfect to be loved. Life truly is about the journey, not the destination.

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